I hate the world. I hate everything about it. And most of all I hate people. I feel I’m Cersei Lannister but even she’s got something she wants to protect. “Everyone who isn’t us, is an enemy” she says. But, I hate so much that I can’t even tell who’s ‘us’ anymore. Family and friends. To hell with them. It’s all a trap of greed. More and more from each. It’s all a trap of selfish pursuits. Because no one cares really. We just pretend to.
I’m 27 and I feel stuck in a rut and the world around me seems ready to either devour me or abandon me. And that’s much the same as I have to give in return too. No one has the time to worry about anything but themselves.
These are particularly pathetic times. I’m jobless for I refuse to work 9-8 (9-5 died with the 90s). I’m aimless for I have too many aims. My parents are lonely and old and all their friends and foes are scattered too far away. As are they and as is their lone star, the sole bearer of their burden of love – me. My friends… well, what are friends? Those I’ve known for a long time, and those that I once felt comfortable sharing my secrets with are just shadows of what they used to be.
As the years pass, each of us shades layers and layers of all that we thought we will be and embrace all that comes naturally to us. Falling in love at a young age, naturally, is disastrous. Falling in love at any age, most probably has the same result. To cherish someone at a given time for certain behaviors and beliefs they posses and to then watch them change slowly and steadily out of it. It’s tedious and infuriating to say the least.
We are all of us influenced, moulded, manipulated according to the opportunities life throws at us (or even those we work really hard to achieve). Everything corrupts us from the moment we are pulled out into the world till we continue to fight for our life. And this fight is supposed to be beautiful and miraculous. I agree but I couldn’t disagree more. Even though I respect our eagerness to survive and grow, I despise what it means on ground, in execution.
However, this is what unites me with others. We are all in essence stuck in the same stink pit, thrashing about to do our best to climb atop our neighbours. Wonderful.
But where I’m truly isolated is in that everyone around me seems to be celebrating this while I lament. I suffer self-loathing, depression, melancholia and a deep-seated neck breaking hopelessness for everything. However, I see many around me put a cloak on it. I see them accepting life for what it is and then cheerily getting up to go about it all the same.
How? How are they doing it? What do they do when dejection pulls them back?
This is the miracle of life. And I’m going to master it.